Exclusive! TDZ Obtains Tape of Kovalchuk Phone Tap

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by Nick Casale

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Exclusive! TDZ Obtains Tape of Kovalchuk Phone Tap

<Phone rings> Hello? Caller: Ilya, this is Lou Lamoriello. I’m just calling to say that, what with all the craziness of the past couple off seasons, we’re really looking fahwahd to having you here for the long term as we <beep!> IK: Excuse me, Lou, I have other call. Caller: Well most of the players call me Mr. Lamoriello, but <click> IK: Hello? Caller: Ilya, is Medvedev. IK: Da. Caller: The babushka has been knotted. Repeat, the babushka has been knotted. Proceed as discussed. IK: Is not so easy. They promised me a…how you say?…fuck-ton of money here. All I have to do is the very thing I love, the thing I dedicate my whole life to, the thing I do for so many years that make so many fans happy, the thing that <beep!> Hold on, I have other call. Hello? Caller: Kovy? It’s Dave. IK: Dave? Caller: Dave Chapelle, bitch! Listen, you don’t need all that cash. You’re already rich, bitch! IK: Yes, but I sign contract. Caller: Contract my black ass! Dat don’t mean shit, bitch. You don’t want to do what you promised to do, just up an’ quit! IK: Quit? Caller: Quit! Walk away! OK, “retire” if you want to be a pussy about it. Just tell ‘em you’re sorry, your word don’t mean shit, and they can keep they money cause you already got a fuck-ton of it. Then you fly off to some backward-ass, third-world shithole where nobody can find yo’ ass, and you disappear. IK: This sounds like good plan. Do you think it will work? Caller: Hwhat?!!? IK: Do you think it will work? Caller: Hwhat?!!? IK: The plan...it will work? Caller: Hwhat?!!? IK: Do you think this plan will <beep!> Hold on, is other call. <click> Hello? Caller: Mr. Kovalchuk, this is Michael Bluth. Since this blog is already in the entertainment oeuvre, I thought I’d call to update you on the progress of your house in Alpine. Listen, I know there have been delays in construction, and I’m sorry about that. IK: Is not problem. Caller: I appreciate that, sir, but I assure you, it is a problem. But it’s one that I’m going to rectify. I’ll have my best crew there first thing Monday morning to continue constr... IK: Nyet! Caller: I’m sorry? IK: I mean...why the rush? You just have holiday in your country, right? Celebrating freedom and independence! Am all about the freedoms your country provides. So take long weekend again. Is no rush to finish house. Caller: That’s very kind of you to say, sir, but… IK: Must go. Have boss on other line. <click> Lou? You are still hanging on, waiting for me to come back, yes? LL: Yes Ilya, I’m here. Seems like we did this very thing just a few months ago. (uncomfortable chuckle.) But that’s all wawtah under the bridge now. And I want to say again how excited I am to be able to surround you with world-class players like Motty, Patty, and now Cory Schneidah, the former Bawstahn Cawlledge stah. IK: Lou, I have bad news. LL: Is your back acting up again? Because you know we have world-class doctors here in the States, and the Devils awganization will spare no expense in getting you the best medical care in the world. IK: Is not my back. Is my not coming back. Am going to retire. (long pause) Hello? Hello? Lou, are you still there? Mr. Lamoriello? Female voice: I’m sorry, Mr. Lamoriello has moved on. I have a message for you though. IK: From Mr. Lamoriello? Female voice: No, he’s too classy to say this. But I’m not. On behalf of all the Devils fans in this great state and around the world, please don’t let the door hit you in the задница on your way out. We’ll go back to being a true team without you, and while the coming year may suck (then again, it may not), we’ll be far better off without you in the long run. Have a nice life.
Skate with your head up, Nick

July 13, 2013

The Devils Zone has acquired exclusive access to a top-secret NSA recording from the tapped phone line of Ilya Kovalchuk. Below is the transcript of a conversation that took place last Thursday, just hours before the Russian star’s “retirement” from the NHL.

NSA File Photo

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