Rangers Pin Cup Hopes on Dead Habs

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by Nick Casale

Rangers Pin Cup Hopes on Dead Habs

Following the model that brought the team’s lone Stanley Cup of the past 70 years, the New York Rangers have acquired several key members of the Montreal Canadiens’ 1956-1960 dynasty.
Becoming Broadway Blueshirts just in time for this year’s playoff push are forwards Maurice “Rocket” Richard, Jean Beliveau, Dickie Moore, and Bernie “Boom Boom” Geffrion. Jean-Guy Talbot and the iconic Doug Harvey will anchor the defense, while 5-time Vezina winner Jacques Plante will join the inconsistent Henrik Lundqvist in goal.
“We’ve always been a team that’s just a guy or two away from the big prize,” noted head coach John Tortorella. “It’s great to see that Slats is committed to putting those final pieces in place,” he said, referring to general manager Glen Sather. Sather, whose 1980s Edmonton Oilers juggernaut was reconstructed in New York just in time to secure the 1994-1995 Cup, recently commented on the acquisitions.
“Fuck it,” said Sather. “I’ve paid my dues in this league. Now it’s my turn to coast along on someone else’s hard work.”
When pressed further by reporters, the architect of the league’s last legitimate dynasty continued, “Messier, Anderson, Lowe, Graves, Beukeboom, MacTavish, Tikkanen…it takes a lot of hard work to assemble all that talent. Just ask Neil Smith.
“Hell, it took him another coupla years to finally land Gretz and Kurri, which just goes to show.”
The most notable of the new Rangers, Richard revolutionized the offensive game before his death in 2000. The Rocket set the standard for goal scoring when became the first NHLer to net 50 goals in a single season and 500 for a career. He also captained Les Habitants to 4 Stanley Cup wins while contributing to 4 others.
“Eight Cups. Wow. Not even Moose can say that,” said Sather in reference to Mark Messier, who won 5 Cups with Sather in Edmonton, and captained the Rangeoilers to their 1994 championship. His orgasmic spasms on Garden ice over a decade and a half ago remain the most enduring image of the Rangers’ Cup celebration.
The Plante move raised some eyebrows among Ranger faithful for 3 key reasons: Current goaltender Lundqvist is considered one of the cornerstones of the franchise; Plante’s outspoken nature and a divisive personality have labeled him a cancer in the locker room; and the fact that he actually succumbed to cancer in 1986. So why the move?
“Hank has been good at times, real good,” said Tortorella of his current netminder. “Other times, let’s face it, he’s been pretty bad. It’s that inconsistency that puts him just a notch below the Plantes and Brodeurs of the world,” the coach noted. “Oh crap, did I say that out loud?” he added, casting a covetous eye westward toward the New Jersey Devils’ all-world netminder. “You can edit that out, can’t ya?”
The other new Rangers include Talbot and Harvey, seasoned blueliners who are expected to mentor young Ranger defensemen like Dan Girardi, Matt Gilroy and Michael Del Zotto. Beliveau, Moore, and Geffrion helped carry the championship torch from the Richard/Plante years into the Guy Lafleur/Larry Robinson/Ken Dryden era. Rangers brass hopes they can fill a similar role on Broadway, as they continue to act as though their decade-and-a-half old championship is still fresh. Of course, compared to the 54-year drought that preceded it, it is.
“If you had to pick another team to try and reconstruct when your own feeble attempts at scouting, drafting, and developing home-grown talent fail year after year, you could do a lot worse than the Canadiens of the 1950’s,” said noted hockey historian and unabashed Ranger-ass kisser Stan Fischler. “This is a team that could have hoisted Lord Stanley’s grail 8 consecutive times, were it not for the league’s decision to suspend Richard for the 1955 playoffs.
“Richard had an altercation near the end of the season where he punched a linesman 2 times during a game,” Fischler explained. “So league president Clarence Campbell had no choice but to suspend him for the playoffs. That decision touched off the infamous Richard Riots in Montreal, and cost the team the 54-55 Cup,”
“Punching an official…twice! Ya gotta love that grit,” said Sather, beaming like a proud papa. “You just can’t teach that. Of course, with all the money this team has, combined with the League’s desire to have a strong team in the Big Apple, we don’t have to teach anything.”

The preceding is a work of fiction, intended solely  for entertainment value. All quotes have been fabricated  by me, and while the historical facts are accurate,  the Rangers have not in fact reached the level of  desperation implied herein…yet.

Till next time...Skate with your head up. Nick

Originally posted Wednesday, March 3, 2010

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